erintaylor

Final Goodbye

2007-02-23T19:19:00Z

I apologize that I haven't blogged in a while...not that I am so arrogant to think there are tons of people out there reading this...but just in case there's one. :) Truth is, I've been feeling kind of guilty. I mean here I am supposed to have quit, yet I'm still not. That sucks. A lil' bit o' guilt there. I guess that's the downside of signing up for a Internet campaign.

I did talk to my Quitcoach a couple of weeks ago. Here's the beauty of having a Quitcoach: He didn't make me feel bad, but he did give me a kick in the pants to get motivated again. It was actually what I needed. I mean, he asked on a scale of 1-10 what my current motivation was...I gave it a 5. Can we say easy answer? Right in the middle. I thought I would be ok with that answer...but alas...no. I got the "I can't motivate you. You have to motivate yourself." speech. And he was right.

I did find the value of family support in this kicking an addiction thing. My aunt and I were talking about me quitting and I was telling her how hard it was and what-not. She made a very good point: Until the benefits of not smoking outweigh the satisfaction of smoking...I won't be truly modivatied quit. We talked about how that was true in everything. Until someone wants to change, they won't. Until they see that changing a behavior is a better way of life...well, not even that...is more beneficial than continuing the current behavior...there's no real motivation.

The scales are slowly starting to tip to the "I'm not a smoker" side. I notice the smell a lot more now. And, man it stinks. yuck! And I notice other little things too. So, my Quit Coach and I came up with a new Quit Plan. That's one thing I really like about the Quitline...no one makes you feel guilty or bad because you smoke...but they sure don't let you get away with easy answers. :) So my new Quit Date is Monday. And this time, I'm going to try the Nicotine Replacement Therapy. I'm going to get the patch. For some reason, the gum and stuff just kind of freaks me out. Well, the patch isn't much better...but at least I don't get the picture of it burning a hole in the side of my cheek. I know, I can take thousands of toxins and the nicotine into my body when I smoke a cigarette and I'm worried about a little patch and the little bit of nicotine that's on it? Makes no sense...you're right.

Right now, I'm still celebrating small victories. I drove on a short road trip last weekend...Didn't smoke in my car the whole way. Normally, I would have had at least 4-5 cigarettes in the short hour and a half trip. I didn't smoke the whole way back either. Little things add up to big things I guess.

I guess the last thoughts I would like to share are these. To those out there who are trying to quit smoking or know some one who is going through it, remember that for some of us, this is a process. There are people out there who smoke and wake up one day and decide..."You know what? I don't want to smoke anymore." And they don't. Never again. Easy as that. Now, I imagine that they still get the cravings the first two weeks like the rest of us...but they never touch the stuff again. Then there are those of us, who have to practice. We have to get there mentally and have to really, really work at this. And it's rough. So, please, if you love a smoker who's trying to quit, be patient and kind with us. We'll get it...eventually. Practice makes perfect right?

And I must say that those who can just decide to quit and do...lucky b^$!%*#ds. lol.

I don't know how Monday is going to go...but I'm still practicing. Maybe someday I'll be perfect. :)

Good luck on your own Quit Plan!

Still Trying to Fall off the Bandwagon...or is it to stay on?

2007-01-30T19:42:00Z

So today is officially a week that I've been trying like crazy to quit smoking. I am sorry to say that not a day has gone by that I didn't have at least one cigarette. However there are small victories like I haven't smoked in my car in a week. That's surprising because it's the only place I can smoke that isn't outside and freezing. I have battled the demon through the morning hours (even on Saturday and Sunday) and on all week days until at least 6pm. Not bad for a girl that would normally have 9-10 cigarettes by then. And I went to a party last Saturday night...and it just so happened that most of my friends there smoked. I managed to make it through the party and only had 7 cigarettes. That's really good for me...party means probably close to a pack. So there are small victories.

I did get a call from my Quit Coach last Friday. She wanted to know how the Quit was going. After a short laugh I told her. Then she did something really surprising...she suggested I re-evaluate the way I was quitting. I guess that was kind of vague...let me explain. The first time I tried to quit, I was in a smoking cessation class at my work. The woman who ran the class (teacher if you will) was very upbeat, positive and great at trying to get us motivated, but you could tell the woman had never picked up a cigarette a day in her life. And when I messed up my quit day that time, I got the "Well, that's ok, but you really should try harder. Let's set a new quit day for tomorrow." Even though in no way shape or form did this woman mean to make me feel like a failure...I still kind of did. I mean it was like when I was little and I would mess something up so I just had to keep doing it over and over again until I got it right. I don't mind doing it over and over again IF I feel like I'm getting the hang of it a little bit better each time.

On Friday, when I told my Quit Coach about how many cigarettes I had had on my quit day and since, she never once made me feel like it was a bad thing. It was almost like, "Wow! You usually have a pack a day and you only had three!? Good Job!" I mean there was a lot of understanding there and I surely didn't feel like I had failed. So we decided that maybe I try to only have three cigarettes a day later and later in the day each day this week. Then next week it's two cigarettes a day and then the following week, it's only one. Then we try the Quit day again.

This plan I feel like I can handle. The "Quit-Cold-Turkey" was a surprise attack for me. I didn't think that cigarettes had that much hold on me. But I will tell you that the jitters are better. Other folks still notice that I'm a little restless, like I rock when I stand, or I tap my foot or what-not, but I don't feel restless. That's a step in a very positive direction.

My Quit Coach is suppose to call me around Feb. 12 again. This time I think I'll have even better news for her.

I Fell Off the Bandwagon Last Night

2007-01-25T17:08:00Z

Let me rephrase that. I tumbled-head-over-heels-with-no-end-in-sight-and-no-hope-of-salvation-off the no-smoking bandwagon last night. I work with community theatre in my spare time. Call it a total stereo-type, but theatre people smoke. It's not attractive and it harms our bodies which is our instrument and for the really good or lucky theatre folk, the way they make money, but we do it. I shared two cigarettes, and sorta smoked one. Not completely horrible, right? I mean not good by any means...but not the end of the world...just a slight slip off the edge of the bandwagon.

Then it gets worse. After rehearsal I went over to a friend's house for Margaritta's. Yum. And the friend has a smoking room and two of the three other folks there are smokers. That's it...I'm hosed! Not a chance in Hades. I smoked around 10 cigarettes. That's half a pack in about 5 hours. That is definitely not the actions of a non-smoker.

My information from 1-800-QUIT-NOW tried to warn me about having slip ups. I think last night was a little more than a slip up...I think maybe it was a full on backslide. lol.

But the truth is, I'm not back to square one by a long shot. I went just about 24 hours yesterday before that first cigarette. That's longer than I went the day before...maybe by only a couple of hours, but still longer. And I learned several other things:

There is a difference in a craving and smoking because it's a habbit. At 7:00 last night right before I finally caved and had a cigarette, I was having a craving. I was bouncing around, slightly irritatid--my body just felt different. As soon as I had nicotine in me, I immediately calmed down. Then later that night, when I was at my buddy's house, the two smoking buddies would pick up a cigarette and so would I. Not because I was craving one, but because they were smoking and I always smoked at the same time other smokers who I was with smoked. My body didn't physically need the nicotine and what-not, it's just what I always do.
Gunk is gross. My lungs hate me...they are currently drawing up a petition for the rest of my body to sign. Mostly it just seemed harder to breathe driving home last night. And today...it feels like my head and my lungs are full of goo. yuck!
The effects of smoking sneak up on you. I used to hear people who had quit smoking talk about how much better they could taste things, and how much better they could breathe. I always thought, as a smoker, I can breathe fine and everything tastes fine...those aren't reasons for me to quit. I don't fall into the catagory of people who can't breathe or taste anything. Now, I completely see what has happened. Because smoking gradually takes your senses...like your sense of taste and smell, you don't realize anything is missing. It's because you don't start smoking and feel fine and then one morning wake up with only 50% lung capacity, no sense of smell or taste, you don't know what your missing. I'm not saying that it happens to everyone, and that the difference is like the next best thing to sliced bread, but I can see where folks are coming from now. I was jamming out to the radio to keep from smoking in my car. I was getting pretty good and keeping up with whoever was on, until last night. Where did my voice go? Oh, that's right. Cigarettes hurt it.
You gotta have a plan. I knew that I would be tempted to smoke last night, even before I went to my buddy's house for drinks. I just figured I would be strong enough to resist. Um....not so much. :) I need a new plan other than that.
You're only resisting a cigarette away from being a non-smoker again. I didn't smoke on the way home from my buddy's house. It's a long drive...probably about 30 to 45 mins. Before I would have had at least two or three, but last night I made a conscious decision not to smoke on the way home. I'm on my way back to being a non-smoker.
Falling off the wagon is ok, but giving up is not. I think it doesn't mean I'm not serious about quitting, or that I can't quit if I smoke in those moments when it just gets to be too much--as long as I don't give up trying to quit. As long as I try to make it longer and longer since that last time I slipped. As long as the next time I'm faced with a simular situation I do everything I can to not smoke at all, but if I do smoke, I smoke fewer cigarettes.

So that's where I am on this journey. Today I am grumpy and tired...I was up way too late last night. But I'm hanging in there. I haven't smoked yet today and today is all I can do anything about. :)

Day Two is Better Than Day One—January 24, 2007

2007-01-25T17:07:00Z

Day two starts out a lot easier. Mostly because the first thing you think about when you get up in morning isn’t that this is the first day you have to do without smokes. In fact…yesterday it was always there in the back of my mind. All day. I can’t go have a cigarette…you know how old that broken record gets?

But today, there were times of silence. Now I’m not saying I didn’t have cravings or whatever. I guess I would compare it to being broken up with by a significant other. The first few days after, they are all you think about. Then you realize it’s been a whole 2-3 hours since they even crossed your mind. Ok, so smoking is a little more extreme…but it’s the best analogy I could come up with. J I think that not focusing thing might still be a problem.

It kind of makes me wonder what I was like before I started the smoking. Was this bouncing off the walls normal for me, or is that just the withdraws? Um, yeah, I have enough anxiety without psycho-analysis now. Lol.

Everyone Should have at Least One Fake Quit Day—January 23

2007-01-25T17:06:00Z

So I have decided I went about this quitting smoking thing all wrong. Sure I can just wake up one morning and decide I’m not going to smoke all day! Right. And of course, doing such makes me the poster child for AD/HD (I am not making light of a serious medical diagnosis, I am simply mocking myself and only myself.) I cannot sit still and focus. I mean they said that you might be restless but this makes restless look like a coma. J

So, although I was really, really hyper and bouncing off the walls all, I did well with the no smoking thing. I did really well until about hour 20 or so. And I caved and had a cigarette. On my Quit Day for crying out loud! That’s the day you aren’t suppose to cave at all.

What was I thinking!? I didn’t try cutting back or anything…I just thought I would go through the whole day and not have any smokey treats at all. Um…Houston, we have a problem.

So, my suggestion to all you “thinking-about-quitting-smokers” out there…have a fake Quit Day. Set a date…say to yourself “This will be my Quit Day. I WILL NOT smoke all day.” And if you make it through the day without smoking, you should be proud as he## of yourself. You did indeed pass the test and you now rule. See how many fake Quit Days you can have in a row.

Now for those of us, who cave as the day draws to close; this Quit Day shows us the true colors of the demon that we are up against. No longer are we under the illusion that quitting is as easy if not easier than it was to start.

So, try the fake Quit Day thing…but don’t punk out in the first hour. That doesn’t count. You have to do everything in your power not to smoke at all—all day.

Then, when you do indeed feel the soreness of it kicking your bootie, I suggest calling the Quitline back and asking about nicotine replacement therapy.

Last Day of Smoking—January 22.

2007-01-25T17:05:00Z

Tomorrow is my Quit Day. Eek! Actually, I’m not too worried about it. I don’t have that crushing feeling like I’ll never have another cigarette again. It’s actually kind of liberating. Maybe tomorrow won’t be that bad.

Who Knew a Trip to the Gas Station Could be so Tempting? January 18, 2006

2007-01-25T17:03:00Z

So in preparing for my quit date, I’ve changed my smoking routine a bit. Now instead of buying the 100’s I buy the shorts. I know it doesn’t seem like a big difference, but it is a least a couple of drags per cigarette. So, that means it’s a least 20 drags a pack and that’s at least a cigarette or two. So…in my mind I’m cutting back. And I’m buying cigs by the pack only. It’s suppose to slow you down because it doesn’t feel like there is a unlimited supply within reach and you have to go to the gas station to get more. I’m not sure if that really works, but I thought it couldn’t hurt. So when I ask for my brand of cigs, the woman asks if I want the 3 pack special. Um…..yeah, ok. I have until Tuesday to quit, right? Three packs makes it just about right. The cashier says hold on, let me make sure we have the 3 pack special in the shorts. No such luck. But they have the 3 pack special in 100’s (which I can tell you…no one ever carries). I was good, I resisted the temptation and said no thank you, I would go with the 1 pack of shorts. And surprisingly enough I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. I actually felt really proud of myself for sticking to my guns, and buying the smaller cigarettes and only one pack at that. J

My Call to 1-800-QUIT-NOW January 17, 2006

2007-01-25T17:02:00Z

I called the quit line today. They were really nice. First I talked to an operator named Cathy. She determined that it was my first call into the quitline and asked for some information. You know, the boring stuff like my address so they could send the packet of materials to me and email address and if I wanted to quit in the next 30 days. After all the paperwork stuff was out of the way, Cathy connected me with a Quit Coach named Alice. Alice was great. She asked if I had any questions and took the time to really listen to the answers. We talked about some of the nicotine replacement therapies out there.

It turns out, no matter how many times I have heard about quitting smoking and how many smoking cessation programs I have been through (I’ve been through 2 previously), I still didn’t know a lot about the nicotine replacement stuff.

I was always worried about how the patch would work. I mean is it going to give me so much nicotine that I’m bouncing off the walls with the shakes? Alice explained how the step down process works for those. It seems that the first and biggest patch is for those that smoke a pack to a pack and a half a day. Then the second is for those that smoke about 10-15 cigarettes a day. And, the last patch which is the smallest dosage is for folks that smoke about 5 cigarettes a day. Turns out you can start on what ever patch is about the level you smoke. So I would start on the second patch. If that didn’t work for me after a day or two I could move up to the largest level and then back down the steps. I didn’t know that.

The biggest thing about the nicotine replacement stuff is that you absolutely can’t smoke when you use it. Too much nicotine in your body.

Alice and I also talked about other ways to keep my hands and mouth busy other than a cigarette. I think that is a big part of my addiction. It’s something to do with my hands. We talked about eating sunflower seeds, chewing on straws or toothpicks, gum, a whole list of stuff.

The really good news is that, Alice said that people try to quit upwards of a dozen times before they succeed. Wow. This is my second serious attempt. So it looks like falling off the nonsmoking bandwagon is something really common. That’s a big part of my reluctance to quit. What if I fail? How embarrassing is that! I would be in a large crowd though.

I did set a quit date. It’s January 23. Right now, I will not smoke on that day. When I get to January 24, I will try not to smoke on that day. The thought of never being able to have a cigarette again is a really scary one for me, so I’m taking it a day at a time.

Between now and next week, I will try to taper off the amount of cigarettes I smoke. I’ll also try to break the times I smoke. It seems like there are certain times in the day that I always have a cigarette. I will try to break that cycle before the quit date. I’ll let you know how that works for me. I’m already on my way. I’ve switched from 100’s to shorts.

When I started smoking

2007-01-25T16:54:00Z

I suppose it’s best to start at the beginning when trying to redirect your life. Isn’t that what a psychologist would say? Find why you started the behavior in order to change the behavior. I started smoking my sophomore year of college. I was 19 and old enough to know better. Even though I had friends that smoked before, I never picked it up until then. In high school I was active not only in theatre but marching band as well. I needed all the air I could get running around that football field, so smoking wasn’t an option. By sophomore year of college I was tired of being a goody-two-shoes. I didn’t smoke or drink all freshman year, but I didn’t judge those that did. Everyone else was more than welcome to do it, I just didn’t want to. I was a member of a sorority house, and a bunch of us girls had gone to the other college in town to cheer on the fraternity men during their rush. I asked a fellow sister if I could bum a cigarette just to see what kind of reaction I would get out of her. It was, of course, shock, and we all got a good laugh.

Now I wasn’t one of those sheltered kids who go crazy when getting to college, but I did want to push previous boundaries. Smoking was one of those forbidden things that I had grown up absolutely forbidden to do. My father and grandmother, being former smokers, both knew how addictive it could be. So, it was more of a rebellious behavior for the folks at home, but an acceptable one for the folks at college.

I started out slowly. I would buy a pack before a party, smoke 2-3 cigarettes the night of the party, and then put them in my freezer for a month. Not a big smoker at all. When I would come home for vacations, I would quit. I guess, around junior year, I started smoking more often. I worked in a restaurant when I was on school break and if you had already had your break, the only way to get a moments rest toward the end of a long shift was to go in the back room and smoke. Then, with some of the jobs I held during those college years, I was around smoke and smokers all the time. I worked at a local bar my senior year and 5^th year. It was all down-hill after that. I was hooked.

Since then, I am what anyone would call a smoker. I smoke almost a pack a day. There was a time when I was at least a pack a day, sometimes maybe a pack and a half. I have a particular brand I like, and won’t smoke anything but that brand and specific kind. (that’s when you know it’s bad.) But the truth is, I’m old enough and have become myself enough that I don’t need to push previous boundaries like I did in college. I know who I am and I like me. So really, smoking isn’t about rebelling anymore, but about an addiction. One that is keeping me from improving on who I am. Maybe all that peer pressure is finally sinking in. J

"Quit Now" Challenge

2007-01-25T16:49:00Z

Why do I want to quit smoking? Peer Pressure, plain and simple. I am one of the few smokers in my daily activities. I happen to live with three former smokers who involuntarily make we quit more and more each day. There’s no smoking in the house of course, so I have to go out to the garage. Man, the garage gets cold in the winter! Not only am I not sure it’s worth it, but I miss out on things like whatever TV program we might be watching or my sister has to wait for me before we start watching a movie. Granted it’s only for 10 minutes, but I know it bothers her sometimes. And I have a new niece that I baby sit quite often. I definitely can’t go out and smoke when baby sitting her. When she’s napping, I will try to sneak a quick cigarette in, but I think some how she knows because she’s always waking up right about then whether she’s been sleeping for 5 minutes or half an hour. The folks I work with are also pushing really hard for me to quit. So, I’m finally caving in and trying to quit.